It All Begins With a Seed
I didn't set out to have three children. Heck, I didn't set out to have a family until I was forced to reckon with something undealt with--uncertainty! It was the fall of 2012. I had recently wed my high school sweetheart, moved to the Chicago-burbs and was in the process of job hunting. Positions in my field of interest were limited due to recent job cuts. Although job hunting in this day and age is entirely cumbersome, it wasn't the repetitive application questions and demands that were nagging me. It was something else-something bigger than my field of social work. It was this idea of vocation. What was my purpose in the here and now? What opportunity was truly worth the taking? Who should I listen to?
These questions eventually took presedence over telephonic counseling interviews and led me to a shrine in Des Plaines, IL dedicated to Our Lady of Guadalupe (it should be noted-it is the largest of it's kind outside of Mexico City). As I sat down in front of the shrine with my rosary in hand I had thoughts and concerns swirling and whirling. I wanted, no I needed a sign. I finished the rosary. As I stood up I was moved to walk around the back of the shrine. As I made my way around, I came upon a grotto, with a statue of the resurrected Jesus and a myriad of photos, mementos, and candles. The majority of photos were ultrasound photos. The sight of them all was rather perplexing. This wasn't necessarily the sign I was looking for. However, from that day forward I couldn't stop thinking about the idea of motherhood and family. I knew I had some homework to do. I had been taking medication for bipolar disorder for five years at this point. I didn't know if having children was even a healthy option for someone with my medical history. Was it? And, I did want to counsel and educate in the mental health community. Maybe I didn't have to choose?
Thus began a journey to motherhood, a journey involving research (however limited), experts, and ultimately faith. There is only so much assurance numbers can give, especially when those numbers involve an unborn life. After carefully considering the options and potential side effects, I was moved to remain on my medication, pregnant or not. It didn't take much effort, we were pregnant mid-Spring. Even though I was referred to a maternal fetal health department and given a "high risk" pregnancy label, I never felt "high risk." My well checks and majority of my ultrasounds were routine. The pregnancy was manageable. It was honestly, enjoyable. We had a healthy, beautiful baby girl on December 15th, 2013. And I remained healthy from conception through the postpartum period. The postpartum period presented some situational challenges. In the end community and faith paved the way to balance.
Today I am 26 weeks pregnant with my third child. Since my first pregnancy I have dealt with anxiety, mood swings, depression and even some treatment adjustments. Like all moms, some weeks are more manageable than others. Each pregnancy has been its own unique experience. It's certainly helped to have a dedicated husband and supportive local community. My intention for this blog is to create a space where women with mental illness can feel comfortable sharing experience, asking questions and ultimately making connections. I look forward to sharing more experiences and resources in the days to come.
These questions eventually took presedence over telephonic counseling interviews and led me to a shrine in Des Plaines, IL dedicated to Our Lady of Guadalupe (it should be noted-it is the largest of it's kind outside of Mexico City). As I sat down in front of the shrine with my rosary in hand I had thoughts and concerns swirling and whirling. I wanted, no I needed a sign. I finished the rosary. As I stood up I was moved to walk around the back of the shrine. As I made my way around, I came upon a grotto, with a statue of the resurrected Jesus and a myriad of photos, mementos, and candles. The majority of photos were ultrasound photos. The sight of them all was rather perplexing. This wasn't necessarily the sign I was looking for. However, from that day forward I couldn't stop thinking about the idea of motherhood and family. I knew I had some homework to do. I had been taking medication for bipolar disorder for five years at this point. I didn't know if having children was even a healthy option for someone with my medical history. Was it? And, I did want to counsel and educate in the mental health community. Maybe I didn't have to choose?
Thus began a journey to motherhood, a journey involving research (however limited), experts, and ultimately faith. There is only so much assurance numbers can give, especially when those numbers involve an unborn life. After carefully considering the options and potential side effects, I was moved to remain on my medication, pregnant or not. It didn't take much effort, we were pregnant mid-Spring. Even though I was referred to a maternal fetal health department and given a "high risk" pregnancy label, I never felt "high risk." My well checks and majority of my ultrasounds were routine. The pregnancy was manageable. It was honestly, enjoyable. We had a healthy, beautiful baby girl on December 15th, 2013. And I remained healthy from conception through the postpartum period. The postpartum period presented some situational challenges. In the end community and faith paved the way to balance.
Today I am 26 weeks pregnant with my third child. Since my first pregnancy I have dealt with anxiety, mood swings, depression and even some treatment adjustments. Like all moms, some weeks are more manageable than others. Each pregnancy has been its own unique experience. It's certainly helped to have a dedicated husband and supportive local community. My intention for this blog is to create a space where women with mental illness can feel comfortable sharing experience, asking questions and ultimately making connections. I look forward to sharing more experiences and resources in the days to come.
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